Ice skating. An unlikely occasion to feel like the lime-green alien again who's just landed from Mars.
We've all had a go at some point. You know what I'm talking about, right? A huge indoor sports skating rink; queuing up to swap your shoes; blinding disco lights and pop music; edging your way white-knuckled around the ice rink, clinging to the wall as the 5-year olds zoom past at such a speed that you feel the full force of the Bernoulli principle. (Think: standing on a platform as the non-stop from Manchester to London thunders by and you'll get my drift.) And then just as you've got into the swing of not falling over, time's up and it's off to Maccie D's for a burger - or is that the famous "long chicken" here in Germany, I wonder...? (Just one of the many hilarious pseudo-anglicisms.)
Now let me explain what a German ice rink is all about.
Seeing the bright, all-weather lights and fenced-in rink as you stroll up to the entrance, you say to your friend A: "oh, so you mean the ice rink is outside..!" To which the reply is merely a quizzical look and an amused smile. So then you explain what skating in England is usually like which results in a few laughs – as always. Cue Sting: "I'm an alien, I'm a legal alien..."
Next you begin to scan the people around you, and the reality dawns that almost everyone has brought their own skates with them. And I mean super-duper Starlight Express ice skates. Sure you haven't just turned up to a mass audition for "Dancing on Ice"? Gulp.
Ticket paid and shoes stowed neatly away, you head out to the ice rink quaking with excitement, well, and the cold. But excitement soon dissipates into fear as, to your dismay, there's no wall around the ice rink! Take a deep breath. Don't let them smell your fear. "Err.. A, isn't there a wall I can maybe hold onto to help me around the first lap, or two? I mean, I haven't done this for a few years, but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it after like 10 minutes or so." Or so you hope to God. Of course, everyone else just hops onto the ice and scoots off like they do this every day. In no time at all the one-legged flamingos are gliding into pirouettes and hydroblading the curves. Have I just landed on another planet here?
Fortunately A is a patient woman so the little lady holds your hand around the first 2-3 laps as you roar and laugh away the fear together, using a smile to help you concentrate. A mix of hard rock and odd German pop – no disco here I'm afraid – spurs you strangely on. Now feeling slightly less like the little green alien from Mars, you decide to give backwards ice skating a try. A is a pretty good teacher and has a skating-pro for a brother. You're in pretty safe hands here.
Towards the end of a two-hour, high-powered Herausforderung, you make your happy but weary way to the locker room, mega proud of the fact that you didn't fall over even once! And perhaps feeling slightly more German than you did two hours before.
Bring on the pancake spins and lasso lifts.
