The Hidden Life

A line I seem to be repeating a lot lately is a paraphrase of Colossians 2:20-23.  Basically, the things we do and the restraints we put ourselves under in order to appear godly have no power to actually change the heart.  You can look great on the outside, but on the inside you can be as rotten as you like.  Other people may aspire to be like you, but nobody can see your soul's decay.

And this is where I found myself yesterday, sitting in front of my computer attempting to figure out exactly how many hours of precious time I had redeemed, and how many, of course, I had frittered away.  As part of my Relay year with UCCF I am accountable for my hours as well as my finances.  Simple as it may seem though, the task turned out to be one that would illuminate the most subdued corners of my conscience.  A little tweaking here, a little alteration there.  Be sure to mellow the words 'wasted time' with 'time spent in contemplation', 'much needed coffee date', or even, 'fatigue left over from the many conferences you have sent me on lately meant that I forced my tired frame to rest in bed just a few more hours.'  It's easy to manipulate facts.

Quite simply put, the temptation was to lie.

In its barest form lying is blatantly ugly.  I think there are few people who actually revel in open lies, either in their telling or in their receiving.  Many of us, however, just can't stop telling 'little' ones.  We tell white lies, assuming they're not as bad as the ones in technicolour.  When we make excuses we're more often telling twists on the truth, or, even worse, shifting the blame onto someone else.  It's amazing, during all my years of being late for things I have become the master of excuses.  At the end of the day, all I'm covering up are my failures and guilt by tricking myself into believing I am actually in the right.

Lies trip quite easily from our tongues almost like steam from the spout of an ever-boiling kettle.  The problem is not the hot water vapour as much as the turbulence inside the pot.  The boiling liquid is what we need to cool and contain.

So, how?  Let's just say I carried on as normal trying to fill out my monthly time sheet, being as honest as I could but all the while seething at the prospect of divulging my life to a person I, as of yet, hardly know.  In ten months time when I will have come to the end of Relay, I'll be the same as when I started.  The same old Vicky who makes excuses and slants reality in her favour because she can't admit she was wrong. 

So, say I go about it a different way.  Every month from now when submitting my time sheets I pray beforehand, I remember that my time has only be given to me because Jesus paid for these precious hours by going to His appointed hour.  I thank Him that even though I have frittered away some time, that I am not condemned for doing so, nor is the next day dependant upon the successes and failures of the previous.  I trust Him that the errors I have made are a trait of the character He is gradually eroding in His work of transformation and that His grace means I will have the power to resist temptation daily.  I believe the promises of His Word, that He will return one day though I know neither the day nor the time; I wait expectantly.  I commend Him for His justice and for His mercy while pleading with Him to bring that soothing calm of the Spirit whenever my soul threatens to burst its banks.

Only a change of master results in a change of heart.